Monday, September 17, 2012

Still No Job and Impulsive Behaviors

I think it's only been 2 weeks but I still don't have any work. I am going c r a z y at home. I'm still getting paid so I guess I can look at this as a vacation? No! I need work, I like work! Time to vent again- I HATE STAYING HOME. I miss my business clients, the deadlines, the Excel spreadsheets and the presentations. While spending this time at home I've noticed a few things:

Hyperactivity: I am trying to do too many things at home and I can't just focus on the job search.  My body is too active yet I feel like I'm not getting anything done. At the same time I want to do more and more. It's a never ending cycle, I just can't take it easy and relax.

Perfectionism: Everything has to be perfect, for example my pantry has to be perfectly arranged, the laundry has to be perfectly folded. Even things with the baby have to be perfect, I can't stand it if a diaper is not put on correctly- this behavior is affecting the relationship with the spouse, I am driving her crazy.

Insomnia: I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm averaging 3 hours of sleep every night. I go to bed around 1 AM and I wake up around 4 to 4:30 AM. My body shuts down late but as soon as I wake up my brain is speeding and I can't go back to sleep. I refuse to take any sleeping aids or medications.

Caffeine: Extremely addicted to coffee, as soon as I wake up I make  a pot, way over the 12 cup line on the carafe and by 8:30 it's all gone. I drink my coffee plain so I know it's not the sugar I'm craving. I am always tempted to make more but I resist, I think I'm already drinking way too much.

Alcohol: As most of you know this one has always been a problem for me. I drink way too much, I even make excuses like oh I haven't had a drink all week, then proceed to drink 9 to 10 drinks in one night. When I'm home all I think about is drinking. Not sure what to do about this one but life and family lead me to drink LOL

I have ADHD (diagnosed from childhood) and I wonder if that's impacting some of these behaviors. When I was a child I had many issues, even spent a week in the hospital...

Do I have a problem? Would you seek help? Of course, I don't think I have a problem :) I just need to go back to work.

HS

14 comments:

  1. It sounds like staying at home is exactly what you need right now. It is giving you the space to reflect and notice some of your behaviour. I think this is one of the more honest posts that I have seen you write.
    I think you already know the answers to the questions that you posed. I think you need to seek some help. I know it can be embarrassing, hard and scary to seek help, but you owe it to yourself to get a handle on things. You also owe it to your daughter, I grew up without a dad because mine died when I was young, I would hate a similar thing to happen to your daughter, and with you stress level that is possible
    Just to be clear I say all of this out of kindness. The average person can’t survive on such little sleep. Your body is not replenishing itself and is making the situation worse. I am so pleased to hear you are not taking sleeping pills. Please steer clear of them, I think we both realise that they would probably be a very bad move for you. The caffeine will be making the whole situation worse, you are taking a massive dose of a stimulant, and this will be putting pressure on your heart. I am surprised you are not having heart palpitations. Your need to survive on the rush of work shows that you are living on pure adrenaline & caffeine ; this is not a good thing. This stress is taking years off your life. Once again I say the next bit out of love - Dude, seek help about alcohol. The binge drinking is terrible for your health, but more concerning is the fact that all you think of is drinking at home. This is not the behaviour of someone who is in control of their alcohol consumption. You are a good Dad under a bit of stress at the moment, what if that stress spills over and you struggle to stay sober when you are alone with your daughter, if something happened you might find it very hard to live with the consequences. Also you are responsible for your actions, your life and family don’t lead you to drink, you have been so honest in the rest of the post, don’t spoil or belittle it with a LOL comment.

    Does your ADHD impact, I don’t know I am not a doctor but I imagine it would. A quick review of the link also showed that if you have adhd it could mean you have some other illnesses present, so it is definitely worth checking.
    As much as you say you don’t have a problem, I think you know the truth. Please get some help from you family doctor, you say this is causing problems in your relationship, you also talk about an addiction to a stimulant and a depressant, your alcohol link shows some low self worth problems as well. You owe it to yourself to get help and feel better. In Australia we have a campaign called RUOK, where you ask someone who you think may be struggling Are You OK, so I ask you today RUOK? I think you need to show today’s blog entry to your wife, I know she is not aware of the blog, but this is something both of you need to discuss. I would be really upset if I discovered my husband had written this blog entry and I was unaware, perhaps show her when she is in a calm and relaxed manner.
    HS, you are a good person, sometimes you make ‘interesting’ choices (but we all do that or else we all wouldn’t be reading PF blogs about getting out of debt) and regardless of any negative comments that you get you do the best you can in the moment. I really look forward to reading about your entire goings on. I notice you have a fairly loyal band of readers, who feel confident enough to give you full and frank feedback and advice; they wouldn’t do that if they didn’t care. To paraphrase The Help - You are kind, you are smart and you are important.
    You can post this or not, I just hope you read it, and if you do post it I hope you don’t put a LOL or dismiss this post. It took courage for you to write this blog entry, now use that courage to propel forward.

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  2. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I would definitely get some help. Good luck to you.

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  3. Yes, I do think that you should seek some form of help. At the very least, get evaluated by a professional.

    Your ADHD explains your impulsive spending habits, though. Have you considered medication to control it?

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  4. Also, aside from the hyperactivity, you hint at other symptoms of psychological disorders. Racing thoughts can be a symptom of an anxiety disorder, and perfectionism to the degree that you're describing could signal OCD (compulsive behavior).

    I don't know you personally and I'm not a doctor, but I think this is worth looking into.

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  5. are you SURE you have ADHD or do you think it might be oh I don't know the TWELVE PLUS CUPS OF COFFEE?!?!?

    my god.

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  6. I swear that coffee actually calms me down a bit LOL

    HS

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  7. Coffee helps ADHD big time. My 16 year old drinks a cup every morning - a pot though - too much.

    You need structure - all adhd people do - they need to know what is coming down the line and know that are in the middle of it.

    For my son, it is stressful NOT working. Summers are awful for us.

    I agree - you need work. I have a feeling you don't drink coffee or alcohol quite as much when you are working.

    Personally, I think you are depressed. My son goes through the same thing.

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  8. This is a sad post. I am sad for you. You sound unsafe and unwell. I'm concerned that you have some overarching mental health issues that need attention. I have no clue what those might be, but aspects of what you have described sound like mania, depression, anxiety, and OCD to me. Please, talk to a mental health professional about these things. There is no shame in it. If your car is broken, you take it to a mechanic. IF your brain is broken, and won't let you sleep, or leave your pantry alone, or makes you want to drink booze or think about it all the time, then you go see the mechanic for your brain. This link has some info and ways to find a local provider. http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Helpline1/Mental_Health_Professionals_Who_They_Are_and_How_to_Find_One.htm

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  9. I think it's like the check engine light on your car, it comes on but you still drive and eventually it turns off lol

    HS

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  10. Adult ADHD has been in the news a lot in recent years. And then the alcohol... why not get them both checked out? You could start with an LPC (licensed professional counselor). But if you end up needing meds for the ADHD then a psychiatrist will probably have to write the Rx. Your saying the caffeine calms you down sure does explain a lot in regards to the ADHD.

    Nowadays soooo many people go to therapy. I've been, for help with setting boundaries with my personality-disordered, pain pill addicted mother. My son is going for anxiety, and we have an upcoming appt with a psych MD for possible meds.

    Your need for perfection explians a lot related to the debt; the need to keep up appearances out of fear/anxiety?

    Call your insurance and find a mental health provider! Again, I can't stress enough... people from all walks of life go to counseling. My brother is in that profession and he sees everyone from homelsess street folks to the well-educated wealthy.

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  11. Amanda, send me an email, I'd like to get more info, what I really don't want is meds... They totally had an impact on me growing up :(

    HS

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  12. Hi, I've been reading for a while but never commented before. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. When do you think you'll be able to get back to work? Staying home with a baby sounds like a freaking nightmare to me too.

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  13. Please take carae of you, HS. Staying home is not easys and there is some boredom that comes along with it from time to time. You're a good person. I can't say whether you need help or not. You've always seemed normal to me. LOL

    Just take care. Maybe a 30 day of no alcohol would be good? It's not the easiest thing!

    Hugs. Hang in there.
    Kelly

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  14. How do I email? I don't do Outlook!

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